The last time I set foot in California was in March of 2008. I was in Tucson at the time and hadn't been back since the Winter in early 2006. Steph and I had broken up in February of 2007 and I was still heartbroken about it.

When my folks lost our house in 2004 and I had to leave, part of me held out hope for a return to a normal life. After all, I imagined my early adulthood to be going to community college with my friends, driving down to the beach now and again, and playing DnD as often as possible. Being in Arizona, that life didn't get to happen.

Steph and I tried to make it work. But my attachment to my folks and their need for me as their emotional sponge/punching bag extinguished any courage I might find to make a life with her. The loneliness got to her, and she found solace in the arms of another. And another. And another. I forgave her, but ultimately I couldn't fix the terror in me of living on my own.

Honestly I couldn't even blame her when she eventually mustered up the courage to end things. I was glad for her when she got together with Israel, he was always so much more together than I was. Yeah that's his name, odd coincidence.

I spent most of my teenage years espousing love as a selfish thing. That it was there for me to feel good and not something to be shared and certainly not something I had to work for. I was a pretty wounded person back then, and for a while my relationship with her filled a hole in me that I hadn't even noticed had eaten its way into me until long after she'd gone.

We had a lot of good memories. Taking our bikes down to the canal and collecting clams to put in the kiddie pool in her backyard. One eventually escaped. Don't ask, I don't know any more than you do. Walking around the mall and shoplifting. French class with Madame Goins. So much DnD and Star Wars. Warm afternoons that went nowhere. I lived by those memories for a while.

I listened to the Mission UK's Wasteland a lot. It felt bizarrely on the nose for me as I felt myself wilting in the sun.

There was occasionally someone else. A few women, one or two guys. But like I said, I craved an ordinary world and passion and coincidence dictated that it would be her. I craved that familiarity of home- the brick house on Harding Way, my perfectly firm bed, making French toast for my friends while we watched Bob Ross on Sunday mornings. But it was all wrapped up in her smile and that voice that rang like sunshine.

My dear friend Anthony tells me he's getting married and wants me to be his best man. I tell him no, citing that I had school, but really I didn't want to face Steph again.

I thought the matter closed, but a few weeks later he calls me and tells me he moved his wedding to my Spring Break. You can't exactly refuse someone who moved a mountain, so I promised him that I'd be there.

My parents were very against the idea. They allowed me to visit now and again after we'd left California, but after I hadn't been back in a while, they didn't want me to go again. I almost didn't come back the last time, after all.

But I insisted on going and took no help from them to do it, scraping together some meager savings from working part time at the mall and Anthony buying me my greyhound ticket.

So of course I catch a nasty flu the day I leave.

Still, I was adamant. I'd made the decision and I was going to see it through. My Mom was highly insecure, accusing me of not loving her as I boarded the bus.

I listened to Augustana's Stars and Boulevards on the way through. Coming back to California always felt like it was some forbidden thing, like the universe would blink me out of existence the moment I crossed the Colorado River. My heart jumped a bit as the bus blazed over the bridge.

The bus pulled into the station in the late afternoon. I couldn't believe how big everyone was, not just giants of personality in my own epic tale, but they'd gotten taller. And wider. I was still the same.

I was so happy to see everyone I dumped a bottle of Mountain Dew on my head.

Corey drove us around town while I collected a few things some folks had held on for me. I couldn't help but notice how short the buildings were now. Everything seemed so small, when it used to feel like an inescapable prison, this city walled with dying dreams.

I spent the night running DnD with everyone, Anthony died in the Tomb of Horrors three times in an hour, which is what you'd expect if you knew Anthony.

The next day I'd be meeting Steph and Israel at the Barnes and Noble. I was coughing and wheezing and struggling to stand, but I knew I had to face the future.

She was as beautiful as ever. Her voice still sunshine. She gave me a hug and I just about collapsed under the strain of it all. But I held firm, hiding any of my misery with bouts of coughing.

I slumped into the back seat of Israel's van. Steph noted I'd lost a lot of weight. I conceded it was because I didn't know how to take care of myself.

She and I went to get lunch around the corner from her place. It was a fairly large house she shared with two other couples. She grabbed some lavender from a bush and showed me, remembering I liked it when she wore that scent. And she damn near jabbed it up my nose.

We spent the day long into the night playing d20 Star Wars with Daniel. It was a darker game than I'd done with them in the past, full of paranoid rebels and unrelenting imperial spies and cruel storm troopers. And also drug dealing apartment squatters and psychotic droids and lewd Gamorrean thugs.

I spent the night there on her floor, coughing. I wasn't sure if the illness was making worse or dulling all the heartbreak of seeing her.

The next morning we watched music videos on YouTube, in quality so poor that I'm not sure we were watching much of anything at all. It was the first time we'd ever done that. For some reason she was fond of the song Candy by Cameo. Never would have expected that from my goth princess who adored Lacuna Coil so much. Admittedly I became a bit of a fan of Cameo for a while.

That night I went to San Mateo with Corey and Sam, staying at Corey's grandma's house and watching her play Lunar on her old Sega CD. The next day, we went to San Francisco and spent the day wandering the streets with her crush at the time, a sweet Mormon girl who had just finished tour-guide school.

She said something to her that stuck with me "I have a future now" in regards to her training and finding a niche in society. I'd echo those words a decade later when I'd complete my first IT job's training.

Corey led us into the Tenderloin, espousing that we'd be fine since we were from Stockton. I of course like to be cognizant of how dicey my surroundings are and to accurately gauge how big of a pond I'm in, so I disagreed with the assessment. A nice homeless gentleman led us back out and I tipped him for convincing my friend where I had failed.

Corey drove us through the woods and the mountains. I saw the San Francisco Bay and the headache I had just made me feel like it was a big eyesore. We drove out to the ocean right after.

Now that was a sight for sore eyes. And sore shoulders. Chest. Legs. But god was it beautiful.

We ran along the beach, I let my bare feet take the ocean's caress. I chased my friends throwing bits of seaweed at them. Then I collapsed into a wheezing fit as I laughed and laughed.

That's the last time I've seen the Pacific.

The next day, back in Stockton, I met Steph and Izzy at a sandwich shop I never knew existed but had been near my house for years and years. I'd passed it hundreds of times and somehow never noticed. Not that I ever had any cash in my pocket to try it out.

I ordered a salami sandwich and then tossed it at her playfully when she gave me some shit. Israel laughed that some of the salami stuck to her face. She kicked me under the table. It felt like old times.

The next morning, Corey and I departed with Anthony's family up to Reno. I'd never been to Nevada despite being fairly close to it for so long. The caravan took a break at the top of the Rockies and I had a snowball fight with Anthony and his brothers. I collapsed wheezing but I was carefree and laughing.

The casinos in Reno were alright. I put a few dollars in a slot machine and won twenty. I briefly entertained continuing to play when I realized that's how it works and I took my twenty dollars and left.

The wedding was a lovely affair. I propped myself up on a ton of allergy meds and Dayquil to make myself presentable. I told stories about Anthony and I was so happy he and Claire found each other.

That night, Corey, Anthony, and I hung out in his hotel room drinking Smirnoff. I'd drank once or twice before, but it had never really done anything for me. This time was no different.

I became maudlin though. I told my friends that I missed Steph a lot, and I wished we could be together again. I half jokingly suggested we kill Israel. I was reminded that I'd had half a beer. We laughed it off.

Anthony got me on a bus back to Stockton late into the night with Steph and Izzy coming to meet me after their graveyard shifts. On the bus, while my head pounded and my heart raced and the allergy meds in me kept the world spinning, I made a pact with myself: I would get Stephanie back by any means necessary, I would destroy Israel and I would get my life back.

I stood wobbly but tall as I stepped off the bus, ready to begin this new phase of my life as the treacherous bastard I'd need to be to do what I needed to do to win.

I looked out and saw her and him approaching, she hadn't seen me yet.

I paused.

I noticed how happy she was. Much happier than I'd ever seen her. Much happier than she'd ever been with me. He listened to her and was kind and gave her what he could and I wasn't thinking of her at all, just my own pain and my own desires and my own selfish love.

It took them about twenty seconds to notice me and make their way over to me, and in that eternity all my jealousy melted away and I just wanted her to enjoy this happiness she'd found without me. The promise to myself had been broken almost immediately, but there are worse things to be than a loser.

Though I will note later in the night we went to Denny's and I ended up flirting with someone in the parking lot and Steph grabbed me and forced me into Izzy's van screaming "shut the fuck up Jacob" and then played it off as a joke. Then told me I could do better. I smiled and let it go.

The next day, as they dropped me off at the bus stop, with my parents calling constantly to make sure I was coming back, I bid farewell to my friends, and to Stephanie one more time. I didn't have the words for how happy I was for her. Maybe I still don't.

I listened to Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go by Soft Cell on the way back, sniffling and coughing in my seat I was fortunate not to have to share. It felt like the ending credits of the last few days.

I didn't know what I was heading back to. The pursuit of an ordinary world, I guess. It'd be years before I'd make enough progress to have a serious relationship with someone else, and that was with a great degree of some coincidental forcing from the universe.

I still work at it, trying to give. Not just to lovers but to anyone I love: my family, my friends. Even to people I don't know that well, it makes me feel better not to be that selfish kid I used to be.

That was a long time ago now. A different world. She eventually found someone in Phoenix over Myspace that I didn't wholly approve of but made her happy so what does it matter what I think? We spoke on and off. We even had another couple big arguments but eventually made up and forgave each other our various character flaws. The day before I moved to Ohio, I called her and we promised to keep up.

We never spoke again.

That's how it goes though, right? People drift, especially former loves. I'm fortunate these days to still be on good terms with my recent exes through a combination of good communities between us and a lot of emotional growth within me. I'm lucky I've been able to grow so much.

I misheard the Psychedelic Furs once but the words "love is only ever given away" echo in me still.

I've just come out of a long selfish period. And I'm finding myself giving a lot to everyone around me again. It feels good to be outside of myself again, and it feels like there's a rot within me trying to reel me back in but I make the decisions about who I am. No matter what, I am responsible for who I become ultimately, and I'm not about to let this world force me to become anyone other than me.

I owe myself that much.