Last day of Spring and I'm still fighting what feels like a losing battle. My anxiety just will not settle this time no matter how much working out I do.

A dear friend from undergrad came to visit. He said I should look into a few things, from ulcers to histamine intolerance. I've been taking hydroxyzine here and there to try and keep the anxiety under control in spite of the risk of bad dreams. I've found if I take it earlier in the day and avoid sleeping my dreams are generally normal if a little more vivid than usual. Even been watching my diet to try and keep my guts settled.

I've been pouring back over my old texts and journal entries to try and figure out if this is normal. Been doing a lot of websearching about gallbladder surgery and the like to see if anyone else has experienced this kind of upsurge. There is a correlation with the colder weather and an uptick in my anxiety but it has never gone this late in the year before.

Trying to stay consistent, focus on the moment, feel the love I am receiving. Starting to sound like a madness mantra to me.

Feels like I'm being haunted f'reals.

My cat is bothering me a lot. I wonder if she can tell something's wrong or if she just is being her usual attention whore self.

But still, that beartrap in my guts persists. I've got a doctor's appointment in July that will cover a few things, but I am considering going back on some kind of anti-anxiety medication. The last thing I was on was Effexor, an SNRI that didn't work as well as I was hoping. I worry because the last couple of times I was on SSRIs I stopped caring about things like getting to work on time (or at all) or controlling my drinking. My three besties are worried about what Citalopram could do to me after the last time.

Among things I did while on Citalopram: I would run into traffic constantly, holding my hand out like Neo with the bullets. I broke into half the buildings on campus to practice my lockpicking skills. I tried to remove the hinge off a door to the belltower on campus (and I got one of them off before my friend realized I really was going to go all the way). I stole a printer and dared the RA to call the police (they didn't). I never even used that printer. I hit on one of my professors. I wrote a game theory paper on the X-Men. Aced it, but still. I triple booked three dates with different people. I dared the provost to expel me to his face after I spoke at an Occupy OSU protest and he felt I went too far. Oh I guess I also spoke at a protest and went too far. I went to a bunch of parties I normally wouldn't have gone to in various states of undress. I basically had a manic swing for a year.

I sometimes miss that energy. But I also would speak in a hurtful manner sometimes to people, thinking that I'm "being honest." I hate people who posit themselves as "telling it like it is" like their words are some kind of gospel that gets to be exempt from common decency and politeness. The fact is, if you think someone should know something, it's your responsibility to tell them in a way they would be receptive to that information. If you're just flinging a brick around I question if you just enjoy breaking windows. Diplomacy is a part of all communication, and if you don't have the patience to think about how another person communicates, you're not a good communicator, even if you want to sit on the high horse named "brutal honesty." I don't respect people who think they should be respected for not meeting people halfway.

But obviously I digress. I don't want to risk going nuts on people around me. Therapy changed how I think and I can see how different my brain is these days compared to how it used to be. I'm in no danger of letting this anxiety consume me or lead me to doing anything particularly stupid. I've got to watch for triggers, but I think I'm better about keeping my dumbassery to a minimum.

Still, this is a very uncomfortable feeling. Another friend I hadn't seen in a while said that it is pain. It doesn't quite register as pain, but it is highly unpleasant and I suppose has the same resulting feeling to the rest of my body.

I should note that I am not feeling the urge to engage in certain "anxiety actions." I'm not needing to cry or scream or engage in something antisocial. It really does feel mostly like I am carrying around a physical discomfort. My brain isn't currently verging into any worrying thoughts, though Caitlin noted I was a bit more cynical than usual this week and threatened to dump her water on my head to clear it.

Something that helped just now is pressing down on my abdomen in the five spots the anxiety is. It felt like a bit of it was able to "move on" after that. Wild.

Still, I do think it might be worth talking to the psych and see if there's anything worth trying. Hopefully I get one who listens.

I guess I can pop another hydroxyzine, or maybe just a half pill. Doing that got me through Sonic Temple last weekend. Today I'm taking my Mom and her dog to the Asian Festival here in town. We go every year and she always has a wonderful time. Tonight my dear River Goblins are meeting for board game night at one of the board game taverns around town. Tomorrow I have the day off and plan to meet with a couple folks to try and get a little amateur filmmaking group together.

Oh right, this is the end of Spring, which is the beginning of Summer. God it doesn't feel that way. Normally I'd be in a much better mood about now.

Guess I'm planning on starting boxing soon. And my friends are trying to replan our annual Cedar Point trip after I couldn't get our usual day off. I'm fairly hot right now even with the constant worry wracking me, see if I can't get a pool gathering together or maybe get us over to the lake north of town. I wonder if this is the year I can get someone to play croquet with me. I'm making good progress on a Warhammer Fantasy army, will probs post pics soon.

Still, I haven't had a challenge like this in front of me for a long time. I'm not worried about meeting it, but it does leave me asking the universe why I can't just have an easy time where everything goes my way. Well, even at my luckiest I've certainly never had that.

Guess I gotta just keep my wits about me and head onward.