Christmas seemed a magical time when I was a kid. All of Santa Cruz would be decorated in faerie lights, there'd be a Santa in every shopping area, and toys would straight up be abundant.

I asked my Dad if Santa was real one year, and he said that the idea of Santa was very real, that Christmas Magic is a real thing so long as you thought of others and asked how you might make them happy, Santa was more than real. Little me took that a bit more literally than it was perhaps intended, but I lived by it regardless.

I grew up in a fairly guilt heavy environment, the school district was incredibly authoritarian and felt like it had it out for me for some reason, something I only came to realize after moving away and discovering that I don't even register on the troublemaker scale in an urban environment. Still, I always felt like I might be a bad kid, but getting presents at Christmas always confirmed for me that I wasn't that bad.

The first Christmas I can remember was in 1989. The Loma Prieta Earthquake had just destroyed our house in October, and my family relocated to a duplex in a fairly upscale neighborhood a short walk from the beach called Seascape. Those were fairly strange days, and I don't think we were there for very long.

I remember my Mom walking me along the beach and thinking all the big pieces of driftwood were elephant bones. I'll reminisce about those days another time though, this is about Christmas.

In 1989, my Dad really wanted to compensate for how bad things were, having lost the house and there seemingly being no end in sight for that to be rectified. I got a Fisher-Price parking garage set, along with some large Disney picture books adapting some of their recent rereleased films, and a Powermaster Optimus Prime which was so fucking cool. But on top of all that, my Dad got me, his three year old son, big Power Wheels Jeep that I could literally drive around the neighborhood. It was absolutely one of the most insane gifts a child could receive.

The next Christmas I can recall would be 1990, but not really. I remember we had a Rescuers Down Under Christmas tree decoration that I later used as one of my main characters in my playing. I guess it would have just come out around that time.

In 1993, my Dad scolded me for asking what the big deal about Mortal Kombat was. It just seemed like another game to me but it was all over the news. I think I caught him at a stressful moment, and he was thinking about how some folks were claiming videogames could make some kids violent. This is one of the moments that made me think I was a bad kid that didn't need bad influences.

Still, for Christmas that year, I got Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis, and when I asked my Dad about it he said Santa must think it's okay, so once again I figured I must be alright. On top of that, I also got Sonic Spinball, which a lot of Sonic fans look down on but I find to be a fantastic side game that I spent a lot of time on but never got past the second level.

1994 was the year of Power Rangers, and I was building my collection. The second season of the Power Rangers had just started that Summer, and while I had enjoyed what I saw of the first season, the introduction of Lord Zedd and the new mecha Zords really got me excited. I convinced my Dad to get me the Red Dragon Zord at some point during the Autumn, but I practically begged him for the White Tiger Zord in November. He got it for me, but wrapped it and said I could only open it at Christmas. The wait was excruciating.

Come Christmas morning, I saw the box for the White Tiger, but no other boxes. I figured I must've been actually a bad kid that year and played sadly with the White Tiger Zord, until my folks got up and asked why I didn't open the others. I said there were no others, and they pointed to some boxes I figured were for other people because they were in the same wrapping paper as the White Tiger and so I figured they had been wrapped by my folks for my brother. My Dad quickly, ahem, explained that Santa sometimes just uses the wrapping paper he finds in someone's house when dropping off presents. And I felt a great deal of relief that I was once again not a bad kid.

I got the rest of the main Zords for my birthday in 1995, and then all the other ones by the next Christmas, but I can't remember Christmas of 1995 at all.

Christmas of 1996 was a different matter. I had asked my Dad if I could get into Dungeons and Dragons, and so under the tree that year I found some DnD books that absolutely did not consist of a full ruleset, but also a bunch of DnD videogames consisting of the Masterpiece Collection, which was six of the most advanced, high quality games that had been released at the time for the PC all on the modern fancy cd-rom format.

The games were Shattered Lands, Strahd's Possession, the Genie's Curse, Wake of the Ravager, Stone Prophet, and Menzoberranzan. I loved all the games, though they were harder than any I had ever played before, and it took me two years before I could finish the first one. I still haven't finished Stone Prophet though I had wanted to this year. I doubt I'll be able to in the next few days.

I don't remember much of 1997, but I think that was the year my brother gifted me with a pack of games that featured Wing Commander 3 and Crusader: No Remorse. They were very cinematic games, but also very challenging, I keep meaning to go through them all the way someday, but they are a big investment of time and effort being not easy games to master. I should get a joystick for Wing Commander sometime. I think I spent the entire day watching the Star Wars trilogy on the USA network.

1998 was the year of Pokémon. I begged my Dad for a Gameboy, they were only about twenty dollars at the time. My Dad though, stressed about trying to buy a house and how much trouble I was getting into with the school was stern, but he ultimately got me the new Gameboy Color which was something I didn't dare ask for, but it was some small reassurance that I wasn't a bad kid, still. It wasn't enough for the insanity that would descend upon me in the seventh grade, but it was a nice gesture.

Christmas of 1999 was a strange time. We had just moved to Stockton into a beautiful wonderful brick house that my folks were so proud of. I didn't really have many interests because of how much depression I'd been left in after the ordeal that was the seventh grade, but my Dad promised me that things would get better, and they were getting there. My Dad got me a stereo system, no longer claiming it to be from Santa. At one point I almost walked in on him wrapping it and my Mom started yelling at me to chase me off, which made me very upset at the time. He never really took me to get music though, so I mostly just listened to my Dr. Demento's Country Corn CD that one of my Dad's friends had gifted to me, and my Mom would use it to listen to her Fleetwood Mac CD that my brother got her around the same time which I came to love as well.

2000 was the time of Gundam, but there weren't that many models available in the US yet. I rode my bike out on a rainy Christmas eve and went to the Target to get my Mom some chocolate, and myself a small model, I think it was a 1/144 Gundam X. I wasn't too terribly excited since I was still having some depression, but it was cool. I came home and my folks were watching the Mr. Bean movie, which I then watched with them while I put the model together.

2001 was depressing. My Dad was unemployed and the house was getting foreclosed on. My Dad was expecting a big check which would keep us afloat for a while, but it didn't arrive until the day after Christmas. We drove down to Fremont to the Fry's Electronics there. It wasn't my favorite Fry's, that would be the Mayan one in San Jose, this one was World's Fair themed and featured some live Tesla Coils and the like. I picked up Final Fantasy Tactics and a Gameshark for my PlayStation.

Christmas of 2003 is the next one I have some distinct memories of. It would be our last Christmas in that house. I had asked my Dad for Gundam Battle Assault 2, and I did receive that. I also awoke to find a Foosball table in our living room. My Dad loved foosball, and we played a lot of it over the next eight months. It's still in storage now.

Christmas after that hasn't been real. We were houseless for about a year, living out of our RV on the empty lot where our house in the Santa Cruz Mountains used to stand. Then we moved to Phoenix, then to Tucson right around Christmas. I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me with a dear friend and I was very hurt. She and I tried to make it work and I told my friend they were dead to me, which I regretted soon after.

I had a small Christmas with my remaining friends a few days after the date proper when I came back to visit. The winter was harsh, even for California, and it was the last time we were all the Scooby Gang.

After Steph and I broke up, there was even less Christmas in my life. I stopped going back to visit Stockton. My folks would bake a turkey, and one year some kid in Tucson that hung out at the shop we all gamed at called me and asked for some food since his good for nothing dad had abandoned him in his house without any. He had dinner with us, and afterwards I treated that kid to a movie (Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, which suuuucked) and some cheesecake at the Denny's. He stole some of my miniatures that I later learned he sold to feed a secret heroin habit.

We never got a tree again. I think the last time was probably in 1999, maybe 2000. My partner in 2019 and I got a small tree for our apartment and topped it with a goose plushie, since that was the year Untitled Goose Game came out. There actually were some gift exchanges. I got my folks a little bedside staircase for their struggling dog to cuddle with them, my Dad a few things to help his cancer treatment be easier. My friends I gave a few videogames. I don't remember what I got Caitlin. I got some videogames myself and spent the day with my Dad and my Mom in Ashtabula. It would be the last time that we'd all be together. By Christmas of 2020 I was alone.

This year I had a pretty quiet dinner with my Mom. We pulled a chair out for Dad. She made steak and potatoes and gave me twenty dollars telling me to go see a movie. Nothing really interested me this week, so I'll check out the matinee schedule next week.

I spent a couple hours at Christmas Punk Rock Karaoke at a bar around the corner from my house with some people who are very nice and one of my closest most wonderful friends in the world. My shower's been backed up for almost a week but it drained just in time so I could get a nice hot shower and let me tell you, it was wonderful.

Today I'm in the office. There's no work to be done, and hardly anyone is here, so I'll probably head home after I finish writing this.

This isn't supposed to sound depressing, but I do miss Christmas, quite a bit. I miss the lights and the sound and how it was a time of year that felt like a relief, what with the break from school and the confirmation I wasn't a terrible person. I guess it was always a stressful time for my parents, like it is for most adults, though I can't help but shake the feeling things are a little more frayed now than they used to be across this civilization.

Last year I found myself wishing I had kids myself. Someone I could do Christmas for. Someone to reassure they were good kids and to see their faces light up at some toy they'd forget all about in no time at all. Someone who looked at all the lights and would see magic. Someone who believed in Santa.

But y'know, it's not really for me. Unless a lot of things change for me and my civilization very quickly, it's just not in the cards. I'm not strong enough to be a good parent for anyone in this civilization. If things were easier maybe my shortcomings wouldn't be so much, but between my character flaws and late stage capitalism there just isn't room for a happy child.

I do hope to experience Christmas again one day. A time when people dear to me were more numerous and able to spend some time just showing me and each other that we matter with the exchange of an annual gift.

But maybe that's what magic is, little pieces that shine through in a dark world. Maybe that's all it's ever been, moments with our loved ones in the dark of winter. Maybe that's what it still is. The toys were always nice, but it was just feeling loved by people that made this time magical for me.

I guess all I'm wishing for is more love in my life. I must be greedy though, since I already have so much- but I guess despite it all I've had more and still wish for that.

Either way, I'm tired of being in the office now and am just going to head home and go back to sleep. That's a Christmas gift that I can definitely enjoy.