October went by pretty fast. Well, all the months do inevitably. Getting older, facing fascism, embracing joy, all those things tend to just blink the time away.

I woke up cold a few times. Always makes my body shift, like somehow the anxiety and sadness in me is stirred by the coming winter. I'd go to my job and feel stiff all day, warring with my own cold hands as I faked my way through youtube and the occasional IT call.

Fell behind on a lot of the things that I've come to depend on. It's always hard to keep up with things this time of year. But a new dear friend told me something that made me think about all the work I've done on myself.

They said that the things I do to keep me sane, like exercise, hobbies, etc, are my medication. And I need to not skip my medication.

I've had all kinds of experiences with medication in the past decade. I've had episodes that have turned me into an impulsive psychopath, or a blissed out zombie, or a hyperfocused maniac, all kinds of adjectived nouns. They've helped at various points, but lately I've realized how the key to my life and maybe to civilization is inconsistency.

For now, sleeping regularly and exercising has kept me in a state of being human that I've never been able to maintain for as long as I have. And some days it is harder to keep it going but my dear friend is right, it is my medication. I've medicated with much worse.

It reminds me of my military history professor, who said that skipping medication is equivalent to leaving your army behind while heading into battle. It reminds me of my therapist, who stated that what I owe the people closest to me for all their love and support is doing my best to take care of myself. It reminds me of my Dad who would always tell me that there is no autopilot for life, that you have to decide to live every day, even when you don't have the will to do so.

It reminds me that investing in myself always pays off.

So my muscles are pretty sore. Mostly my pectorals and my shoulders. I think I tend to push those the most. And I've kept to my guitar practice, learning to play some of my favorite 90s trash. Badly for now, but being a shitty musician has brought me more joy than wishing to be a good musician.

So Halloween is upon us. I haven't done too many spooky things this month. I've spent a bit of it going up and down before reasserting my control over my moods. I went to a party at a friend's house in Cleveland, which is kinda surreal to see folks much younger than me going through much the same things I did back then, living the same way. It was weird to dip back into some of those habits for a night.

And I guess I haven't written in here much. Getting out some of my thoughts on a regular basis, even if they're about some silly videogames I played twenty years ago has proven to be a small but significant catharsis. Another part of my medication it seems.

Sometimes I guess things will still slip by me. Living my best life isn't living a perfect life by any means.

It doesn't have to be, though.

Tonight's going to be about good food, dancing, stupid outfits, and companionship with my friends and a specific someone who has become rather dear to me.

Maybe October got away from me, but maybe this is all I need from it anyway.