August is a bit melancholy for me, being the end of summer and all. It feels like the dying embers of the light in the darkness that is the rest of the year.

That's a little gloomy, isn't it?

There's a lot to be had still before the end of the summer. Dances to dance, songs to sing.

Actually, speaking of songs to sing, I've been writing some. Still learning my way around the basics of the guitar, but I've written some lyrics for a couple songs and have a general idea of their sound. With a little luck I'll be tearing it up at open mic night soon enough.

I managed to injure my ankle fairly badly this summer, but it's on the mend. I might try a run today to see how it goes. Previously I'd been running a little ways down the bike path near my house that goes along the river until I get to this little park that's pretty flat and usually fairly empty since it's kind of a between space to other places. Then I practice my cartwheels. I used to do them all the time, even on the dance floors, but after my foray into alcoholism I've lost a bit of confidence. I can still do them though.

I've always wanted to be able to do a backflip, and maybe I can make that happen. My body's willing to cooperate with me for once.

Staying with my workouts has been a blessing this summer. I've been able to keep my worries in check, even reversed a lot of grey hairs I ended up with in the springtime. My ex was surprised and confused when she noticed they were all gone without me doing a thing to them. It's happened before though.

I've been showing off my arms a lot. Getting lots of compliments. It's mostly been practical, since it's been so goddamn hot, but it's nice to know my hard work is noticeable. A friend told me I could have anyone I wanted and all I can do is laugh. I'll talk about that some other time.

Things have been mostly stable with my Mom. Lots of work to do around and for the house. This arrangement is a lot like owning a house exclusively in the ways that suck, but so long as she's safe and sheltered there's not much more I can ask for.

That's let my stress stay more controllable than anything.

I've been hanging out with more musicians lately. I'd been thinking about getting into music again for a long time, years. But it was a chance encounter a few months ago that's sorta started a snowball into really getting into it. You guys are gonna love my band name.

A few weeks ago I had a movie night at my place. Had a bunch of folks over that weren't my usual crowd and just had a nice time. I hung out with a new friend until three o'clock in the morning just talking about 42. I haven't felt that human in a really long time.

That's kinda it, though. Being human. It's tricky. The capitalist civilization I live in wants me to be a good laborer. My mother wants me to be an obedient son. My past wants me to retreat into myself and just curl up forever.

A lot of my therapy focused on feeling my feelings though. Of understanding what they meant. You've heard me say it before that fear is trying to help. I haven't been in a session for almost two years and it feels like only recently that my efforts have really started to bear fruit.

I think we get wrapped up in a lot of the roles we're expected to play. I'm a big fan of Jung in all that, and I've started exploring Shadow Work recently.

The basic concept is that we have a lot of qualities we try to embody, and in so doing repress other qualities and those things get wrapped up in shame and embarrassment, and end up getting expressed elsewhere inside us causing us quite a bit of pain.

So shadow work is about exploring those parts of you that you repress, letting them out, and being more than a simple archetype you try to fit yourself into.

Of course, like all psychoanalysis, it's best to be careful with it. Easy enough to lead yourself into some narcissistic trap, or even just the opposite: condemning yourself to some kind of judgment about your nature. Jung warns against doing either and the correct application of his ideas should steer you away from them. But it's hard to see where you are from within most of the time.

But I've found myself living a lot of different lives at different points. I recently told a friend a story about the time I was at some of my best. It reignited this fire in me, a memory of time when I did something I didn't think was possible for me: I loved someone.

And sometimes I forget I did.

So yeah, focusing on myself and building myself has been fruitful. Rebuilding my rich inner world and rediscovering all that stuff I used to love about life. Making new stories instead of just repeating the ones I've already lived.

Boring adult life doesn't have to be, I've found. It does take a bit of time management though. But I figure I have time to catch up on my favorite time wasting activities when it gets cold again. I'll post about some videogames that piss me off around then I think.

And so I'm already looking forward to the autumn a bit. I hope to do some more haunted houses with Kuranda this year, I don't think we managed to go to Terror Town. Maybe I'll see about putting together a group.

And maybe we'll even manage a ren fair trip this year after the clusterfuck of last year.

Still, it'll be harder to keep myself afloat. Or maybe I'll finally convince my unconscious that the day after Labor Day doesn't have to be the end of an armistice and resumption of some war we've been fighting our whole lives.

Being human hasn't ever been easy, and still isn't. But I don't recall it being this easy. I hope it'll keep up as the snowflakes come.

But then again, summer's not over yet. My company is sending me to Boston for a few days in a couple weeks and I gotta say I'm looking forward to the travel. A little disruption isn't so bad for me anymore.

I can probably squeeze a couple more adventures out before the sun starts setting. New dances to dance, new songs to sing, new friends to make. It's as good a time to be human as ever.

btw thanks for reading, leave a comment if something makes you feel something :) (leave website blank if you don't have one)