I consider myself a gentleman, gender be damned. So depending on who you are and where you've been in the world, you might be a little skeptical about what that means. It is a very vague term, isn't it?

So when I was a kid, I learned to hold doors open for others, say please and thank you, cover my mouth when sneezing, etc. Stuff that everyone should be doing. I thought that was what gentlemanly behavior is.

Of course the word is highly charged in places like Britain, as class-stratified as they are compared to here. It's one of the overlooked tenets of American culture that I think is ultimately a good thing in our culture, the lack of a formal class system (as opposed to an informal one).

There are stories of well-to-do blacks going to Britain and being surprised at how they were treated: many were told they were fine so long as they were gentlemen. It was refreshing for many, but many also noted how after the novelty of that wore off, they noticed that the prejudice of wealth was as irritatingly dehumanizing as any other.

My experiences as a multi-ethnic individual growing up don't really lend themselves to a gentlemanly upbringing. My folks tried to instill in me gratitude, but coming from frustrated working people who lacked a general education in matters of social justice it mostly just made me anxious. One thing my Dad did try to get through to me though, is that every little thing in the world had to be worked by something and it was important to understand the effort and energy that went into that, even if it's just a seed falling off a tree and sprouting in the woods after a rainstorm.

So I've had a lot of self-esteem issues in my life that fluctuate dramatically based on the general flow of my life at any given point, and at one of the low points I sought out societal labels to make me feel better. And gentleman seemed an easy one, since I always tried to speak clearly and be polite to everyone.

And this did help my self esteem. Carrying myself in a way that said to myself "I am an excellent human being" helped me believe it, especially as others did. Though ultimately, since it was mere self-aggrandizement the high couldn't last forever.

So one of the myriad reasons I pursued a commission in the US military was the tradition that all officers are gentlemen (and ladies) by order of congress. It felt like having some kind of solid acknowledgement from the world would solidify that title and I would be permanently graced in a world lacking it.

Since nothing is permanent and grace is an imaginary concept it was folly. And for the best, I do not want to imagine how I would feel right now as an officer of the armed forces.

So I sorta just had to let that dream go. It hurt, but you have to find strength in yourself, y'know? Can't wait for the world to stamp "ACCEPTABLE" on your head because it never will.

So a few years later my partner at the time asked to do a movie night with something soft, so I picked something from my rom-com collection: Blast from the Past (1999). I'd seen the movie a couple times in my youth, and it inhabited a safe place in my heart.

It reminded me of years and years ago, watching TV in my house in high school while my Mom did yoga and my Dad either read a book or worked on some electronics project. Just a random friday night with Brendan Fraser.

I had to take a pause when his character posited (off screen, reitered by another character) that a gentleman (or lady) is someone who always tries to make sure that the people around them are as comfortable as possible.

Everything came flooding back, a forgotten memory shining a light on a promise I made to myself a very very long time ago. That's who I always wanted to be, someone who makes the people around me comfortable. Tries to, anyhow.

And of course there is a lot of baggage with that as well. We're a lot more aware of people pleasing behaviors and the toll it can take on one's self. But it reminded me of why I wanted to be an officer and a gentleman, of why I wanted to be anything: I wanted to leave the world a slightly better place than I found it.

I don't know how well I've succeeded at that. But I think I've done alright on that front. You can't make everyone happy, and not everyone I meet is going to like me, I've come to terms with that and it's freed me in many ways.

It's funny how you can find old pieces of yourself sitting around in things from the past. That might be what keeps me peddling nostalgia and going to vintage toy shows hoping to snag a glimpse of something within me. Like when I re-read the Outsiders about 15 years ago and discovered that half of my canned dialogue comes from there.

And it is all here, within me now. Everything is. Every person I used to be is still here, staring up to the stars and cheering for me. And they all gather around and put their hands on my shoulders and put a big ACCEPTABLE stamp on me.

Just about the only place I'll ever find it, I think.