When I was growing up in California, every winter was just filled with rain and storms for weeks, months on end. It was like a neverending rainstorm that would lull me to sleep every night.

In the Spring, the clouds would part and the sun would shine through like clockwork every year on the days leading up to my birthday. My Mom and Dad commented endlessly on how well timed it was.

Of course, I prefer the rain. Not all the time anymore in my old age, but generally speaking it brings me a lot of comfort in a world with less of it all the time.

I lived in Arizona in my 20s and didn't get much rain. The time of my birthday was just another sunny day in a land with entirely too many. Hell, the summertime is when you get the most rain in the Southwest for monsoon season.

The rain would only last a short while, maybe an hour or less every evening. Then the heat would simply make a cloud of miserable humidity from which there was no escape. The rain would be fat droplets too, which would land hard and leave a visible layer of dust on your skin. It was unideal.

In Ohio though, there's not quite as much rain as I'd like. And when it comes it's usually freezing. The snow makes me a touch miserable to walk and drive through, though it is pretty. On days I can work from home, which is rarer now than it used to be, I am comforted immensely by the snow outside.

So time's coming up to my birthday again, March is here and marches ever forward. The weather begins to warm and the snow has all melted. Ohio is tricky though, no idea if we've got one more mini winter or not, could go either way.

As I emerge from winter I find my body going haywire like it does every fall and spring. In the fall, I tend to find myself decaying, falling into an abyss that lacks energy and drive, surrounded by depression. But in the spring, it becomes a spike of anxiety spurring me to action and accomplishment, becoming much more active but also much moodier as a result. I find myself having to be much more careful in the spring of my body and mind, keeping a gentle management over myself to avoid any sudden jumps into defensive terror.

I am not sure if I've always been like this. Back by the ocean everything looked and felt more or less the same all year, minus the rain in the winter. From what I understand, it hasn't been the same since soon after I left. In Arizona the only seasons are generally summer and not-summer. I am not certain if coming to a place with all four seasons in play with the trees and the weather has unlocked some ancient biology-infused terror in me, or if I had just never noticed the shifts in me in times when I didn't feel the need to be self-conscious.

I haven't really had a really good and memorable birthday in some time. In my 20s I made some friends and declared it International Jacob Day and would hold a grand party with my friends. When the pandemic hit a few years ago I had to put my parties on hold, and they never really recovered. Maybe I changed, or my friends did, probably both.

This year I've managed to make some new friends for the first time in a long time thanks to my involvement at the local Vampire LARP. I've mentioned before how much it's changed me and helped me get in touch with that part of me that needs play.

It's strange to me to be among people I am not quite so familiar with as I usually am. Normally I spend most of my social time with a small cadre of good friends who I've been through a lot with, mostly from college.

As the clouds begin to part and warmth begins to consider returning to the land, I wonder if this spring I might find ways to grow again. I've put a lot of work into myself in this past year. Having quit drinking and focusing a bit more on regular exercise has done wonders for my sanity.

But it does feel like there's always something scraping at the walls of my mind. The world's on fire and if I do something wrong I feel like I could lose my mind and maybe even more.

But for now there are things to look forward to. Things to prepare for. I'm thinking of getting a Starfleet Uniform (Late DS9 Era of course) or one of those sweet white ISB Uniforms to nerd out in style for con season. I'm cleaning up my basement to make way for a washer and dryer I'll be inheriting soon. And of course there's my birthday party coming up. International Jacob Day is soon upon us.

I will try my hand at caution though, and hopefully not get swept up in the whirlwind that is my mind.