A few years ago I went to Washington DC in early January for a college service trip I signed up for. We stayed at a hostel about a mile or so from the National Mall that was filled with international students passing through.

I went on the trip as part of a resume builder, but it ended up being transformative for me in a few different ways.

Firstly, it was my second time in the District. The first time was a college conference on race and ethnicity I went to a couple years earlier. I didn't have much of a chance to explore the city that time, having only been able to tour the National Mall without going inside of anything. Being able to tour some of the Smithsonian and see some artifacts of history with my own eyes was mindblowing.

Secondly, well forget about secondly. I met someone who looked like someone else and it was nice to see that face happy to see me.

Thirdly, my service group was full of resume builders, and yet several of them could not even be bothered to give lip service to the importance of the service we were providing, which was delivering food to disabled and elderly folks, organizing a food bank, and cleaning kitchens for the use of the disadvantaged. People in my group openly belittled and ridiculed the individuals who were dependent on these services, sometimes within earshot of them. I was the only one who spoke up, and am grateful the trip adviser had my back.

I had never imagined that there would be people so blind to suffering happening right in front of their faces, but even when called out these shameless mofos would dare to say "it's the disadvantaged who has the privilege of us helping them" unironically like it was some mindblowing discovery that selfishness is a virtue.

I'm not a terribly selfless person. Even when I wanted to save the world it was always about my own self-aggrandizement and not about making things better for everyone else. One could argue that my current belief in the equal utopification of all peoples arises from my current status as a working class individual and the struggles I have had to even get this far.

Since I spend a lot of time trying to encourage people to have empathy for those learning empathy for the first time, I find it better to give grace to myself and let it shine.

But the fact is, there are some truly truly selfish people out there. You might have seen a couple on the news, lately.

But fourthly is the most important. See, on our last night in DC, as my group was touring the mall, we took a stop by Obama's White House just to glance. But my attention was pulled to the tent outside of the fence, urging an end to wars and the dawn of world peace. It was pretty dark out by then, and very cold. So I went over to talk to the guy, who introduced himself as Phillipos, and explained that this anti-war protest had been going on since 1981, staffed around the clock by volunteers. Phillipos had been there since the late 80s, I think he said.

So, I wanted to save the world I mentioned. I wanted to pursue the corridors of power and try to leave the world a better place than I found it. I felt a passion for this cause where none other had ever managed to stoke within me before or since. It made me an unstoppable jet engine, ADHD be damned. I felt it within me to die for this cause, even if it was ultimately selfish.

But here were people living for their cause. Living on the street, freezing to death in winter. Suffering alone in the cold for what? A tent that urged nuclear disarmament?

Was it ineffective? One might argue so. Except this was the most powerful man I'd ever met. I explained to him what I hoped to accomplish as a future humanoid of destiny myself, and he urged me to always keep world peace in mind with every decision I made, and that maybe we'd have a better world.

Obviously I have very little influence these days over world peace. I can barely keep peace between myself and my mother. But that always stuck with me. The sheer human power that it takes to spend what was at the time over twenty years outside the White House.

I think that was my first realization at how selfish I was in pursuing politics. I think it might have even started the ruination of it with me. It also made me jaded about other protestors I would come across in the future, who I soon realized were as selfish as I was if in a different direction. Every political mover and shaker I met was only out to make their world better no matter who it ended up hurting, saying it was the name of the greater good the whole way, whether they were a liberal, an anarchist, or a communist. Even if I intended to make the world better for my own benefit the goal was still to make it better, not just for me.

Everywhere I looked I saw individuals building hierarchies with themselves at the top and the people they disliked coincidentally at the bottom.

And I can't even fault them for it. Every enemy I ever invited to my table ended up sticking a knife in my back, no matter how strong I was, no matter who I had in my corner.

These days I keep my company pretty carefully. I haven't met any perfect people out there, but the folks closest to me these days aren't any more flawed than I am. I hardly ever talk about politics anymore, the whole institution leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and everyone who wants something better is more inclined to smack each other in the face before they confront the folks who want to make it worse.

Now and again I remember asking Phillipos how to push through when it felt hopeless, when it felt like the whole world had gone insane and nobody wanted peace after all. He said "it's called winter" and laughed "but it passes, bro. Hold out until spring."

I guess we're at the bottom of winter now. I keep saying that, and it keeps feeling more true. But, like eternal summer cannot be, neither can eternal winter. Spring will come.

I always remember back to those few days in Washington, and the conversation I had in front of the White House, and the little glimpse into actual human spirit that I don't think I'll ever catch a whiff of again.